~ Ugly & the Beast - A Wedding Made In Hell ~

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For those not in the loop, on February 10th 2005, Prince Charles a.k.a. Prince of Wales a.k.a. That Ugly Man With Monkey Ears announced to the world that he would, after all, be marrying long-time lover Camillia Parker Bowels … I mean Bowles.

Wow, finally a wedding worth remembering. Everytime I hear bout a high-profile wedding, it’s either a troll-like husband tying the knot with a trophy wife or a good-lookin’ guy endin’ up with a butt ugly missus. For the first time ever, we get to see a fairytale mix-n-match of what would be the equivalent of the Beast (from ‘Beauty and the Beast’) marrying the Frog (from ‘The Princess and the Frog’). Which one is which? Doesn’t matter. I’m just wondering how their first child will look like. God have mercy on his/her soul.

I guess this had been a long time coming. Apparently, our love-struck mutts first set eyes on each other in a polo match way back in 1970. Not even his glamorous wedding to Princess Diana in 1981 could douse his true feelings for that walking leather-bag. Well, I hear some of you accusing me of jumping-the-gun. That it’s wrong to simply draw conclusions coz we don’t really know what he actually feels. Alright, I’ll be fair and put myself in his shoes.

Let’s see. Here I am, the Prince of Wales. Soon-to-be King of England. Ruler of my country once my mum kicks the bucket. I’m butt-ugly. I got ears that would make Jumbo shy and possess all the personality of a bucket of shit. No girl in their right mind would take a second look at me unless it’s out of pity / shock / lookin’ at my personal wealth. Here comes this magnificient, beautiful, young girl who steals the heart of a nation. She’s got a heart of gold, she’s soft-spoken and becomes the People’s Princess. Best of all, she adores me. Truly loves me. I must’ve been a Saint in my past life for this stroke of luck. So what do I do? Throw it all away. Ignore Diana. Make her unhappy. Keep meeting up with that human Halloween mask and drive Diana into the arms of other men.

Hmm, not only does he look retarded, he actually MUST be retarded to be doing what he’s been doing all this while. Let’s forget all his past ridiculous comments in the Press. Let’s forget all his other red-faced inducing public moments. This HAS to be the mother-of-all-cockups in the life of Prince Charles.

There has to be some explanation. Perhaps Camillia is the last of the Pagan Witches of Stonehenge and she’s put a Reverse Perception Curse on him. A curse that makes her look like Britney Spears in his eyes. Perhaps she was one of his many flings in his past who ACTUALLY has some discriminating, damning evidence about his sexual escapades. Perhaps she secretly videotaped him enjoying the Golden Shower that’s all the rage in most perverted parts of Japan. Perhaps this has been the world’s most elaborate hoax for a reality show ever. Maybe they secretly tape all our disgusted / shocked reactions and on the ‘supposed’ wedding day, Fox Network or BBC will come out laughing and say, you’ve been Royally Punk’d and clips of an entire nation’s surprise will be shown 24/7 on the TV in the government’s bid to show how susceptible the common folk are to deception. Whatever it is, it is unnatural.

The only people who would be lapping up every minute of it (with the exception of Charles & Cam) would be conspiracy theorists and fans of twist-ending movies (i.e. ME). I’ve already heard lots of theories claiming that Charles was behind Princess Di’s fatal car crash. Some even claimed that is was with the Royal Family’s backing. Now comes MY version of the twist: it was Camillia all along! Working her way using Charles as the puppet, she is slowly ticking off the Royal Family one by one. Maybe she’s also the one secretly brainwashing Harry to turn into a hooligan and William into a faggot. After the whole family is in turmoil, she will stand there laughing like a maniac for single-handedly bringing down the British empire. Probably all this spurned from a childhood vendetta after her uncle / cousin / grandfather was sacked as a royal butler? We will never know. Let’s hope the story doesn’t end at the wedding. Come on, give us MORE twists.

If you never hear from me again, it means that the MI 6 has gotten to me. I would be under torture for spreading malicious lies and detained for sedition. Oopz, I forgot I’m no more in Malaysia. And if the agents here do stumble upon this article, they’d probably buy me a pint for the accurate analysis of their soon-to-be ruler.

posted by YU JIAN at 2/11/2005 03:20:00 PM

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