~ No, Fuck You ~written by David Benioff, from his novel

(Monty walks into the bathroom. He looks in the mirror. In the bottom corner, someone's written Fuck You!)

Monty: Yeah, fuck you, too.

Monty's Reflection: Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it.

Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back.

Fuck squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job!

Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores and stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. Slow the fuck down!

Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.

Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?

Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from!

Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!

Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for fucking life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Imclone! Adelphia! Worldcom!

Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, because they make the Puerto Ricans look good.

Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, and their St. Anthony medallions. Swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos.

Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermés scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!

Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on!

Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust!

Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin Otisville, Jay!

Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Alqueda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal, Irish ass!

Fuck Jacob Elinski, whining malcontent.

Fuck Francis Xavier Slaughtery, my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass.

Fuck Naturel Rivera. I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back. Sold me up the river.

Fucking bitch.

Fuck my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar. Sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen and cheering the Bronx Bombers.

Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage. Let it burn to fuckin ash then let the waters rise and submerge this whole, rat-infested place.

Monty: No. No, fuck you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and then you threw it away, you dumb fuck!

(He takes a breath and tries to rub away the words.)

Kudos and much thanks go to Adam for this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Adam would like to thank Dr. Madow and Randi and Harry for their help with various corrections. I would also like to thank Dearsey and Peter for sending me a few additional corrections to this much-viewed (I'm sure) monologue.

Copyright © David Benioff @ http://www.whysanity.net/monos/25th.html

~ House Cleaning Season ~

How many times do you clean the whole house in a day? Do you clean it by once a week, or once a month, or once every six months or in a year?

Let say, it’s a two-storey house and there are lots of itsy bitsy tiny winy spots that you have to use sponge to clean it especially the toilet bowl. How long can you stand it?

Well, I have been cleaning up the toilet bowls since I was in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia renting a room with no attach toilet / shower rooms. Basically, it is a public toilet. Since it’s so dirty, why no just clean it up for my sake to sit on it and have the feeling of RELAXATION… I wonder how many people can do it. I think you can say that I’m crazy or whatsoever for cleaning the public toilet. It’s just ME and I like doing it.

It makes me think of ‘something else’. Are you thinking of what I am thinking?

It really feels GOOD when it’s CLEAN and it feels TERRIBLE when it’s NOT clean at all. I wonder how people can stand the dirtiness. Anyway, I’m cleaning this house bit by bit since my housemates are not here. I have the freedom of cleaning my own so-called: “ADRIANA STYLE”.

As long as it’s clean – I’m HAPPY! Hrmm… it seriously feels GOOD.

...Virginity...

It all started again when one of the girls I met said that she was ‘HOT’ in a classroom with no freaking fans at all but an old air-con working quite well for all of us. I was there knowing the temperature today is 34 degrees MAX which I should stay home. And yet I was there watching or you can call it observing her words – thinking that the university should build fans for the old classroom.

Anyway, the girl said she’s ‘HOT’ with the next sentence followed with: I’m damn having a period, ok!

Yo, this is cute conversation. I always thought that I’m the only one can scream that kind of sentences out publicly, and now I found another match doing the same thing. Well, it’s kind of embarrassment for ladies but who cares… we’re in the 21st Century and not like the olden days anymore whom we, ladies have to be ladylike all the time in front of gentlemen. What? Gentlemen… hopefully outside there still have this kind of bugs.

Suddenly, this male friend of ours twisted our mind and asked us: By wearing a tampon can loose your virginity, isn’t it? Cause it puffs as it grows bigger, won’ it?

This is seriously a good finding for all of us – ladies, which we have to know and teach the males to know about this or our children – if you ever think of having one in the future. Hrmmm…???

The traditional definition of ‘VIRGIN’ means when you have no intercourse with the opposite sex at all. Basically, it’s not true as it only lies as a physical issue. There are many ways you can just damage the hymen by doing extreme stretched like the Ballerinas or tore your hymen while doing extreme exercises like riding bicycles on bumpy roads, horseback riding, or you are born with a tiny or non-existent hymen.

Then, YOU ARE NO LONGER a VIRGIN. Saddest story but it’s true. Don’t believe, go check out this URL: http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/sexuality/virginity.html or http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/defining.html.

How is it now? Feeling better or you REALLY understand the whole concept of ‘V’ now? Well, sometimes it is not your fault to loose your ‘V’ so early because your parents might just want you to do something talented to make you more talented for your future. Then blame them or might as well TALK to them, ok?

OR

If you ever have a boyfriend who asks you: Why you did not bleed? Straight away dump him and find another guy that doesn’t care about ‘V’ but to enjoy you and sex. Remember, it’s your duty to take control of your emotions and not them.

OR

If you pledge to keep your ‘V’, believe me, virginity studies found out those 16 / 17 years old high school girls already saying BIG BYE-BYEs to theirs. Check out this website: http://archives.cnn.com/2001/HEALTH/children/01/04/virginity.study/.

It’s truly the SADDEST thing to loose your ‘V’ pledge before your marriage and your partner – males would always LOVE to be the FIRST LOVER of yours. How can you ever resist the temptations of the Barbarians when negative & positive touches each other and went “KA-BOOM” that night with full of LOVE or should say it’s just SEX. And yes believe me that Dutch babes have sex younger than men for their freaking FIRST TIME by the age of 16. Don’t believe it, go to this website: http://www.expatica.com/source/site_article.asp?subchannel_id=19&story_id=2752.

Oouch!

But I found a better way to have a young ‘V’ back to you, oh crapz, not the counseling. This is much better; check it out, the VIRGIN CREAM… http://www.nkmedicals.com/virgin/virgin.html.

~ Ugly & the Beast - A Wedding Made In Hell ~

"Check it out... This is the COOLEST BLOG that babe has written. Recommended by me"

For those not in the loop, on February 10th 2005, Prince Charles a.k.a. Prince of Wales a.k.a. That Ugly Man With Monkey Ears announced to the world that he would, after all, be marrying long-time lover Camillia Parker Bowels … I mean Bowles.

Wow, finally a wedding worth remembering. Everytime I hear bout a high-profile wedding, it’s either a troll-like husband tying the knot with a trophy wife or a good-lookin’ guy endin’ up with a butt ugly missus. For the first time ever, we get to see a fairytale mix-n-match of what would be the equivalent of the Beast (from ‘Beauty and the Beast’) marrying the Frog (from ‘The Princess and the Frog’). Which one is which? Doesn’t matter. I’m just wondering how their first child will look like. God have mercy on his/her soul.

I guess this had been a long time coming. Apparently, our love-struck mutts first set eyes on each other in a polo match way back in 1970. Not even his glamorous wedding to Princess Diana in 1981 could douse his true feelings for that walking leather-bag. Well, I hear some of you accusing me of jumping-the-gun. That it’s wrong to simply draw conclusions coz we don’t really know what he actually feels. Alright, I’ll be fair and put myself in his shoes.

Let’s see. Here I am, the Prince of Wales. Soon-to-be King of England. Ruler of my country once my mum kicks the bucket. I’m butt-ugly. I got ears that would make Jumbo shy and possess all the personality of a bucket of shit. No girl in their right mind would take a second look at me unless it’s out of pity / shock / lookin’ at my personal wealth. Here comes this magnificient, beautiful, young girl who steals the heart of a nation. She’s got a heart of gold, she’s soft-spoken and becomes the People’s Princess. Best of all, she adores me. Truly loves me. I must’ve been a Saint in my past life for this stroke of luck. So what do I do? Throw it all away. Ignore Diana. Make her unhappy. Keep meeting up with that human Halloween mask and drive Diana into the arms of other men.

Hmm, not only does he look retarded, he actually MUST be retarded to be doing what he’s been doing all this while. Let’s forget all his past ridiculous comments in the Press. Let’s forget all his other red-faced inducing public moments. This HAS to be the mother-of-all-cockups in the life of Prince Charles.

There has to be some explanation. Perhaps Camillia is the last of the Pagan Witches of Stonehenge and she’s put a Reverse Perception Curse on him. A curse that makes her look like Britney Spears in his eyes. Perhaps she was one of his many flings in his past who ACTUALLY has some discriminating, damning evidence about his sexual escapades. Perhaps she secretly videotaped him enjoying the Golden Shower that’s all the rage in most perverted parts of Japan. Perhaps this has been the world’s most elaborate hoax for a reality show ever. Maybe they secretly tape all our disgusted / shocked reactions and on the ‘supposed’ wedding day, Fox Network or BBC will come out laughing and say, you’ve been Royally Punk’d and clips of an entire nation’s surprise will be shown 24/7 on the TV in the government’s bid to show how susceptible the common folk are to deception. Whatever it is, it is unnatural.

The only people who would be lapping up every minute of it (with the exception of Charles & Cam) would be conspiracy theorists and fans of twist-ending movies (i.e. ME). I’ve already heard lots of theories claiming that Charles was behind Princess Di’s fatal car crash. Some even claimed that is was with the Royal Family’s backing. Now comes MY version of the twist: it was Camillia all along! Working her way using Charles as the puppet, she is slowly ticking off the Royal Family one by one. Maybe she’s also the one secretly brainwashing Harry to turn into a hooligan and William into a faggot. After the whole family is in turmoil, she will stand there laughing like a maniac for single-handedly bringing down the British empire. Probably all this spurned from a childhood vendetta after her uncle / cousin / grandfather was sacked as a royal butler? We will never know. Let’s hope the story doesn’t end at the wedding. Come on, give us MORE twists.

If you never hear from me again, it means that the MI 6 has gotten to me. I would be under torture for spreading malicious lies and detained for sedition. Oopz, I forgot I’m no more in Malaysia. And if the agents here do stumble upon this article, they’d probably buy me a pint for the accurate analysis of their soon-to-be ruler.

posted by YU JIAN at 2/11/2005 03:20:00 PM

Copyright © Ong Yu Jian @ http://www.ilovedags.blogspot.com/

~Yat Gong Gong, Yi Gong Gong, Sam - where's MY ang pao!~

First of all, Gong Hei Fat Choi / Gong Xi Fa Chai / Happy Chinese New Year / Selamat Tahun Baru Cina / Gong Hi Fat Choi / Giueng He Fat Chai...others - I don't know...

Secondly, I'm FREAKING SORRY! Not calling people back in KL / TWU (Sabah) cause I'm freaking busy with my family...no heart to go out with anyone..

Thirdly, am working part-time with uni. So no time to sms / msg / call people...Actually, I'm just lazy to call and go out...

4thly, checkout my Friendster.com - errr...what address to add me - this it is - adrianalynn_al@hotmail.com. To see what the darn festivals I want to go. Call me la... Me last year in Melbourne...

5thly, I don't really use multiply. So, don't check on me... me no freaking Multiply Maniac now.

Finally, I want to go UK....for holiday and do something useful there and come back to Malaysia to work.

That's all.. End of my report.. Check out my Friendster.com instead. I got Hi5.. but I don't use either... hehehe.. Chao people